The thought of giving feedback to one’s direct supervisor can cause many of us to feel ill. We worry that if the conversation doesn’t go well, it could permanently damage the relationship we have with our boss. We may even worry that the outcome of the conversation might have a direct result on any future promotion opportunities. As a result, many of us choose to go silent.
Silence is a problem not only for the organization you are working in, but it also carries a heavy price tag for you. We think silence gets us off the hook. But that is not true. Silence sinks us and our teams. We feel righteous in creating a story about our boss and the organization. We find ourselves saying:
They will never listen.
They are going to tell me to go pound sand.
She is going to be ticked.
He is just going to nod and then not do anything to change.
They are super busy.
I already talked to them about it once.
These stories get in the way of our ability to connect and build relationships. The truth is whatever the story you are telling yourself, realize the story is holding you back from taking yourself to your next level of self-development. Learning to speak truth to power is an important skill to develop while on the leadership journey.
Here are 12 tips:
Preparing for the conversation:
- Challenge your beliefs.
Asking yourself some questions can bring additional clarity to the situation. Questions cause us to pause, assess, and reflect. Ask yourself, is what you are believing about a situation true? Do you really know that it is true? Is there a chance that a misunderstanding has occurred? Is it possible that you don’t have the whole story?
- Check-in with yourself
Ask yourself, how am I feeling? Noticing how you are feeling and then labeling those emotions invites you to get clear on your current emotional state. This clarity becomes available because the very act of labeling our emotions creates distance between us and our emotional experience of the situation. We are able to gain perspective as we move from being in our emotions to observing and evaluating them. As a result, the intensity of the emotion wanes.
- Get clear on what your goal is for the conversation
Write your goal down. Reflect on what you see written. What values do you see reflected in this goal? What do you want for this relationship? How might you introduce this goal in the conversation?
- Practice the conversation
The idea isn’t to get the conversation “perfect”. The goal is to familiarize yourself and become comfortable saying what you want to say. Saying it in a couple of different ways so that you remain agile during the conversation and not easily thrown off.
- Power Pose
About 5 minutes before going into the conversation, find somewhere private and strike a pose. Amy Cuddy’s 2012 Ted Talk: “Your body language may shape who you are” makes the point that even when we don’t feel confident taking a confident pose (aka power pose) for 2 minutes increases our confidence and decreases the stress our bodies feel. During her talk, Cuddy goes into the science behind why this happens, reminding us that, “Our bodies change our minds…and our minds change our behavior…and our behavior changes our outcomes” (Cuddy, 2012, 15:35 Minutes).
Starting the conversation:
- Own your energy
It’s okay to let your boss know you are feeling a little nervous and then explain why. Voicing to your boss that you’re worried that the feedback you feel you need to give won’t land well with them, invites your boss to meet you halfway. Without owning your energy and explaining it, that nervous energy will be picked up by your boss. Instead of your boss being able to listen to you openly, they may be distracted by trying to figure out what is going on with your energy. Since the goal is to have a conversation with your boss, removing any distractions, such as unexplained nervous energy, is a way to create a safe space for your boss to listen from. In addition, this shows vulnerability, courage, and transparency, setting the stage for you to declare your intention or goal for the conversation.
- Declare your intention
Everyone wants to know where they are going. They want to know where you are planning to take them. Your boss is no different. Telling your boss exactly what you want to talk about and exactly what your hope is for the conversation invites them to partner with you right away. Not telling your boss your intention, leaves your boss wondering where the conversation is going. We want to connect so eliminating your boss’s question about where this is going puts one more unknown to rest.
While in the conversation:
- Notice your breathing
Under stress, we tend to unconsciously hold our breath. This is not helpful as we need fresh oxygen so we can think clearly. Additionally, holding our breath continues to send a message to the body that it should be on alert for danger (i.e., fight, flight, or freeze response). If you are already nervous to give feedback to your boss the last thing you need is to be holding your breath. So, though it sounds funny, check in with yourself to see if you are breathing.
- Box Breathing
Box breathing is a discrete way to keep yourself calm and focused on the conversation at hand. Box breathing is inhaling, holding the breath, exhaling, and holding the breath each for 4 seconds. This pace of breathing communicates to the body that you are safe, allowing your brain to focus on the dialogue.
- Yes and…
Borrowing from the rules of Improv, saying, “Yes, and…” communicates to your boss that they have been heard and, you have something to add. Starting a sentence off with the word, “No”, can feel abrasive depending on the conversation being had. Better to start the sentence off with an affirming, “Yes”. Again the goal is to make this conversation as comfortable as possible for your boss so they can hear you. You are committed to being heard.
Closing the conversation:
- Ask for feedback
At the end of the conversation ask your boss if they would have preferred you communicated your concern to them in a different way. This gives you an opportunity to frame the conversations as multi-purposed: you wanted to be heard and you want to continue to grow. In addition, it gently reminds your boss of your intention to maintain and improve the relationship.
- Thank them
We all have a lot going on in our lives. It takes intentionality for two people to come together and spend any amount of time together. Your boss making time to meet with you took something for them to do. Other work didn’t get done because they were meeting with you. And yes, bosses should be willing to meet with the direct reports AND it’s just good manners to say thank you.
The irony is we often avoid difficult conversations because we fear some sort of poor outcome. And yet not having those conversations where we give feedback to others, makes it even more likely that we will have a poor outcome. The beauty is if we are bold, humble, and curious we often get to experience a new level of confidence and new depth in that particular relationship. And that is worth having a conversation.
Reference:
Cuddy, A. (2012, October 1). Your body language may shape who you are [Video]. www.tedtalk.com.
Image Reference:
Copyright: fizkes
