The ability to manage strong emotions under incredible pressure is a skill that requires cultivation. It does not come naturally to us. Our thoughts cause our emotions which then inform our actions. If we don’t have the skill set to slow this process down, we can be in motion before we even realize what we are thinking or feeling. Our emotions can harm ourselves and others, whether expressed directly or passive-aggressively. Learning to navigate emotions is critical to resilience.
Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D. has described the manifestation and the release of emotions as a 90-second process. The idea is noticing when our emotions arise, labeling them (i.e., anger, afraid, irritation), and then not allowing another thought to feed that specific “storyline” that is causing us to experience a negative emotion. Distracting ourselves with other more supportive thoughts for 90-seconds decreases the intensity of what you are feeling.
Let’s run through an example; someone cuts you off in traffic. You have an unpleasant thought about that individual. You recognize you are having strong emotions. In this moment, you have options. You can pause. Label this emotion as anger. Deep breathe. And wait, observing, like a scientist, what is happening in your body. Occupying your brain by asking questions like, “What am I feeling now?” … “Where am I feeling this in my body?” … “Is this sensation changing?”.
The other option you have is to allow yourself the indulgence of thinking additional unpleasant thoughts about that individual who cut you off. I use the word indulgence intentionally. Because that is sometimes what it feels like, especially because consciously turning away from the cascade of energy coursing through your veins is not easy.
“Anybody can become angry-that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
– Aristotle
Here are some recommendations (Dr. Russell Barkley):
- Choose the environment. If going out to a loud restaurant aggravates you, choose a different restaurant. Don’t put yourself in situations you know are challenging for you.
- Modify the environment. Choose where and who you sit next to. Be close to an exit, so you can leave discreetly if appropriate.
- Shift your attention. You observe yourself becoming angry with someone. Shift your attention away from them. Look down. Start talking to someone else.
- Choose your thoughts carefully with the goal to calm down. Saying to yourself, “It’s okay. This will pass. I am okay. I will handle this at a later time. I will be heard, but right now, I need to calm down.”
- Breathe. Start box breathing. Inhaling for 4 counts. Holding for 4 counts. Exhaling for 4 counts. Holding for 4 counts. This way of breathing communicates to our body that all is well. It is also discreet and can be done anywhere.
- Pause the conversation if needed. Excuse yourself to give yourself time and space. Get a glass of water. Walk to the restroom.
Because our emotions can hijack our brains, we must practice calming ourselves down. We get good at what we practice, so inside of this, keep trying different techniques until you find something that works for you. It’s worth it to your business, your teams, and your well-being.
